Lower vs Higher self: Anxiety

~By Nicole Thomas ~
I don’t want to use the term ‘suffering’, so I will replace it with experiencing Anxiety.

I question myself: Who Am I ?

What is this emotion trying to teach me?
I want to become one with these feelings of anxiety
I want to not understand but Innerstand the bigger lesson!
Why am I not getting it?
When will I get what I am being taught?
Will I ever get it?
Embarrassed to tell people I go through this!
Embarrassed- so I cover my face!
So embarrassed that I act out of place.
Confidence where have you gone?
Heart beating fast, what am I doing wrong.
Embarrassed again.
Don’t want to talk about it coz you won’t get it.
Don’t know what to say, coz I don’t get it!
Why is this so hard to innerstand.
Trapped in my mind!
I don’t want to be trapped anymore.
Over processing, my software has become so self absorbed.
Over thinking.
And don’t tell me to stop,  not that I don’t want to but it’s easy to say.
Do you care?
Why am I feeling this way?
Am I going mad!
Shallow breathing.
Don’t want to breathe deep coz people will stare at me.
Sleepless nights.
Sleep less.
Insomnia strikes!
Thoughts come out at Night! Freaky!
Scared
Afraid that you won’t love me once you find out this truth.
Afraid that you will leave me.
But we are in this together *higher self*
Self esteem won’t you visit me?
Fear is really trying to get the best of me.
Don’t judge what you don’t understand.
I look completely fine
But panic inside
I am human
I am just a sweetheart
Compassion 
That’s all I want compassion
Don’t feel sorry for me
I won’t feel sorry for me
Or you
Becsuse sorry doesn’t heal
To innerstand and become free
Is all I want to feel
Confidence why did you leave me
When did you leave me.
Will you ever come back
Numb
I’m not mad
I’m just human
Judge if you like
I really don’t care
I do care about the way I feel though

Who am I?

Anxiety x

Gosh!

In the present I question, Who Am I?

We Broke Up

~By Nicole Thomas~

Laying in my bed, I feel low and unbothered to do much. Unbothered to do the things I know I could and probably should be doing. Laying in the dark with nothing but a candle lit. I watch it flicker. Emotionless, but I would of never wished to of used my Emotions Less, I probably should of as I may have not been feeling the way I am now.  Confused, hurt, sad, belittled, unappreciated, are some of the feelings I feel. Yet in this moment I feel numb. Numb to it all. (But this one thing~hope resides in a homely place). I could ask questions, why did you do this??why didn’t you do enough of that? But I much rather allow myself to go through these emotions and let this energy flow. I’d much rather allow myself that so I can heal. Peeling the layers of, peeling it back like Orange Peel. Pain filled yet emotionless. Numb to the fact that I feel like I should of apologised more for the wrong I done, like not changing as fast as you wanted me to in the beggining of the relationship- although atleast I can say I changed for you. Or maybe not for you but for me, and the king that I am getting ready to meet. I should of tried more! Should I keep on trying? I guess I can ask myself that over and over again knowing that this isn’t right for me. I should of loved you more. Although I loved you with all of my heart and still that felt like it wasn’t enough. I should of. I apologise!

But however the story goes you and I both know I tried more than you. Fought more than you. Cried more times than you and not together.  Was alone in a relationship when we should of been together.

Whatever this is, I’m allowing my truths to flow. Tapping into my lower self, as all the emotions buried there, need to be addressed for the better. As I choose on evolving come rain or stormy weather.

We Broke up. Now that’s clear to me.

We broke up now it’s time for me to heal, and be free loving and being true to me.

Signed a healing Heart. 💔

Breathe and Achieve

~By Nicole Thomas ~

It was extremely Difficult for me to Curve my anger today,  with some stupid, ignorant b*tch shouting up in my face. You see in my side of Town if anyone disrespects you, by shouting in your face they get knocked the F*ck Down.
So today was a really a test for me.
An extremely hard one at that, but it felt more fulfilling to know I stood cool and didn’t lose All control.
At 23 years old I stood tall, not raising my voice to a woman evidently older than me, shouting and screaming and straight disrespecting. But not disrespecting Me, the way she acted today she paid disrespect to herself. Worst, she acted like a complete fool with her young daughter standing beside her crying, frightened to see her mum act in such way.
The old me would of punched the bitch, no time for talking I would of got it cracking real quick.
But to my surprise my higher self led the way. I had nothing to prove, I didn’t care who was around, I didn’t care about saving face. I stood calmly talking, looking this grown woman in the face as she through her hands all over the place.

I did not care about being disrespected, because the truth is from that display is she’s got some serious issue inside eating her away..

I have no time for arguments anymore, but had this poor soul lose control and hit me, ohhh I definitely would of defended myself and done her in the worst way- Don’t take my calmness and vibrant aura for a joke.

In the Here and the Now,  I lool back and think she was threatened by my calmness,  because believe me I was all too calm, with someone acting like that, I didn’t flinch atall but stood tall knowing she’s filled with too much distruction and pain that she has to deal with each and every day. 

I learned but so much from Today.  And can most definitely say, I made myself proud, and I like the individual that I am Today.

Zion 💛

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Monday Blues

Monday will Be the Beginning to your Week every day of your Life. Learn to Love her….

TALLER TALES

Today I feel very blue.

Oh yes! I do.

With so moans on my arrival

And sighs to welcome me to you.

I know, I am not a very fun comrade.

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But I just want a chance to prove am no different.

I come only once every week.

So please, don’t treat me with such impatience.

I understand your pain.

It’s not easy being the day that’s always sighed upon.

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Mind you my dear fellows,

Sigh all you want.

But unfortunately for us,

I won’t go anywhere any time now.

As I am the beginning to everything.

I build the new routine.

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